On my way

And so it begins.

I'm sitting here at the Departure Gate, watching people and tapping on my keyboard. I'm a little nervous about the trip, and I'm kinda excited, and I'm also a little sad that I'm going to be away from my loved ones for so long.

It's a strange thing, I guess. Some people would say that you shouldn't be so close to your family. Well, we're a pretty tight-knit group, and being away from them for 22 days is a pretty big deal for me. I've never been away from these people so long.

I was dropped off at SFO by my sister Rupi, my brother-in-law Sunny, and their son Ryan. As I passed into TSA-land (where they don't wear shoes, belts, or sweatshirts), I felt my eyes welling up. There is so much love between us, that it hurts at times like these. I don't worry for my welfare as much as I worry about them being okay while I'm gone. I realize they're grown-ups, and that they'll be fine without me, but I still worry. We all do. I think it's genetic.

I've been asking myself why, then, do I leave every year for weeks at a time? The first International Study Trip to China came as I was in the throes of divorce. It was a wonderful opportunity to see the Orient, and it was a needed break from oppressive burden of what I was going through. There was another reason, but I didn't really admit it to myself.

As I left for my trip to Latin America the following year, it was another amazing opportunity to see a different part of the world with the incredible access that comes from the words "I'm a Business Student at UC Davis." But looking back, I think it was a serious assertion of my Independence, and also an opportunity for me to do some personal growth. But that secret reason from the China trip was also there. I still hadn't admitted it yet.

Now, as I sit at the Departure Gate for Turkey, I find myself asking myself "Why I'm doing this? Why am I going?" Sure, there's the Business School reason... I need the units to Graduate. But there are other classes to take. Why this one that would send me on another trip around the world?

I'm gonna be honest with you.

There's the usual standby of seeing the world with the exclusive UC Davis access.

There's the opportunity to travel with Wil Agatstein, who has traveled to more places than I perhaps ever will, and who gave the trip to Latin America a perspective and feel that I would never have experienced on my own.

There's the Independence thing... like a bad J.G. Wentworth commercial, "It's my life, and I'll travel now!"

But I think the biggest reason is the reason that has been with me since China. The one that I haven't acknowledged until now.

I feel like I have to prove myself. I'm not quite sure to who, though. It could be my family... to prove to them that even though I'm the baby of the family, I can go out into the world and fend for myself. That my friends know that they can count on me for anything because I've traveled to foreign lands where they speak in foreign tongues and I learned how to survive in that environment. That I can go anywhere, and I'll be okay.

But the funny thing is, I don't think I need to prove myself anymore. I came to this realization a few days ago, and it has put a bit of a shade on this trip. I was giddy for China. I was thrilled for Latin America. I'm a little ashamed to admit it, but I'm not as excited for Turkey. It could be that some things have happened recently that have left me wanting to stay close. It could be that I've been too busy to do the research necessary to achieve proper giddiness.

I think the real reason is that I've realized I don't need to go anywhere to prove myself.

This doesn't mean that I'll not enjoy the trip. As I step into the airport in Ankara, I will be excited. I will be eager to see what the weeks ahead will teach me. But will I take another trip that keeps me away from my loved ones for weeks at a time?

Probably not.

A week, I can handle. Three, I feel now, is too much.

Whew.

I think saying goodbye to Rupi, Sunny, and Ryan put me in a pretty emotional place. I'm sure being cooped up in a metal tube flying through the air for 10+ hours will change that. I'll be in a different place tomorrow... emotionally and physically.

And my blogs should become more interesting, too!

I'm gonna go grab a bite to eat before we board, so I'm gonna go.

Be safe and be kind.

With love,

SoJo